Crna rupa bez dna
Imala sam kao klinka blog,tada sam htela paznju,pomoc,ko zna...sada mi je,na svesnom planu tako svejedno hoce li ovo iko citati,hoce li me pljuvati,iako verovatno u meni i dalje cuci ono dete zeljno paznje i razumevanja,pa makar i od elektronskih "prijatelja".Ne znam zasto opet otvaram blog,mozda zato sto su mi dosadili dnevnici,kao i njihovo skrivanje..ili zbog svog egocentrizma i nepresusne potrebe za bavljenjem sobom,nije ni vazno.
Cesto razmisljam o tome koliko je moj zivot drugaciji od vecine ljudi mojih godina i svesna sam da sam dobrim delom sama za to kriva.Iako sam mnogo sazrela,ili,mrsko mi je da kazem,odrasla i imam znatno vise samokritike i uvida u realnost,cesto uhvatim sebe u ogavnom samosazaljenju,fuj!Izlasci,druzenje,decko su meni nepoznati termini,sta je zaboga to?!Prolaze godine,a ja tonem sve dublje,cini se u crnu rupu bez dna.Pocelo je kao adolescentna kriza udruzena s blazim poremecajem ishrane,svi su govorili-proci ce-nazalost nisu bili upravu.Sledi teska depresivna epizoda,kao i bulimija nervoza,a ljudi i dalje govore-ma sta ti znas,u najlepsim si godinama,nemas nikakve probleme..ee,videces sta te tek ceka...U meni se stepen besa povecava sa svakom izgovorenom recenicom tog tipa,sa svakim savetom koji nisam ni trazila,rasplamtava se i przi me!Da,imam toliko i toliko godina,i mozda nemam "realne"probleme,ali znaci li to da ako je nesto iracionalno,ne moze zadavati makar jednaku bol kao i racionalno?!Ne!Sa sigurnoscu tvdim i to opravdanom.Za ovih par godina lecenja(i dost hospitalizacija!)upoznala sam mnogo mladih ljudi,ciji su zivoti prozeti neopisivom patnjom,a koji vecito nailaze na osude ljudi u svojoj okolini,a pogotovo bliznjih!Ko smo mi da sudimo ikome,da odredjujemo kriterijume koje treba zadovoljiti da bi se nesto nazvalo patnjom?!F dijagnoza je kod nas i dalje tabu,primitivizam je i dalje na snazi,ali kao da nikoga nije briga!Nas mentalitet i vecina roditelja koji praktikuju autoritativno vaspitanje prosto nisu u stanju da prihvate cinjenicu da mladi ljudi oboljevaju od mentalnih poremecaja,da tu nisu samo "bube"koje ce im oni vec izbiti iz glave..da se njihovi zivoti gase,iako imaju sta da jedu,krov nad glavom,ruke i noge na broju,i sta ti ja znam sta vec-ovo su uglavnom osnovni argumenti ljudi sklonih osudjivanju "F populacije"Onda,koliko je samo onih koji ponosno setaju bez dijagnoze(potsmevajuci se 'obelezenima'),a nemaju je iz prostog razloga sto nisu posetili odredjenog lekara specijalistu,iliti psihijatra!
Imam problem sa identifikacijom sopstvenih osecanja,sto je jedan od pratecih simptoma poremecaja ishrane,tako da sam u ovom trenutku zadovoljna jer sam identifikovala jedno-bes!I to je nesto...
bes je sjajno osecanje :D
mnogo bolje od ravnodusnosti...
elem, da zivis negde drugde, shvatili bi ozbiljno problem koji imas. medjutim, u srbiji sve ide po sistemu "kakav doktor, nismo u americi, evo ti rakija"! Sad, but true.
bas to :)..i "batina je iz raja izasla"
Prepoznala sam se u gotovo svakoj recenici koju si napisala , a to me plasi .Prvi put shvatam da nisam ja izmislila ovo stanje bulimije u kojem sam nego da se desava jos nekom . po sablonu . potpuno identicno , sto je znak da je u pitanju bolest i da nemam kontrolu nad tim !!
milice,drago mi je ako ti je ovo pomoglo da shvatis da nisi sama.i ne samo to,nego nas ima i previse,veruj mi!!moj ti je savet da se sto pre obratis nekome za pomoc.Zelim ti svu srecu!
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